In With the Bold and Out With The Blue

or

The Tenacious Tart and the Troublesome Tot

A Seventh Caustrian Tale

            Something was dreadfully rotten in the state of mind.

            So far, I had spent two and a half hours on my computer, one on intake summary for my bod and the other on Nintendo. The last half hour I spent kicking the computer's butt in chess (for once!). I'd spent about an hour since then in my favorite chair with a good book, sighing occasionally to change the pace.

            I had even slept in this Saturday morning, giving me even more time to to hang out in the Ol' Subconscious.

            I looked cautiously around, then jumped out of the chair to check all the hideouts--the closet, under the bed, in the desk, in the hallway, behind and underneath my favorite chair, then looked around one last time. Finally, having convinced myself it was safe, I sighed with a contented smile and dared to say those ever-so-dangerous seven words,

            "I think I'll take the day off."

            Before I had even finished easing back into the chair, the door slammed opened (causing my autographed picture of Mario Van Peebles to crown me as it fell) and an extremely pissed off renegade fairy stood in the doorway.

            "Nobody in this world is as stubborn, pigheaded and PMS as that chuckleheaded witch of a dark fairy Robin Nightshade!!!" yelled Naomi.

            Oh, well.

            Seven wasn't really my lucky number, anyway.

            It's actually two.

            "Get out," I said slowly, rubbing my head.

            "Don't you even care what that whore said to me?" she demanded.

            "Not particularly," I replied, gently rehanging my picture.

            "Even if it has the whole castle in an uproar?"

            "Nope."

            "Even if it made Bullet leave for good?"

            "Uh-uh."

            "Even if it has Target and Robin fighting?"

            "Sorry."

            "Even if..."

            "Jeez, Naomi, you're practically telling me the whole story in the advertising, anyway!"

            "So does this mean you wanna hear the injustices done to me?"

            "No!" She paused to look at me, then shrugged and turned out the door, slamming it and also dropping the picture on my head again. I groaned, got up to rehang it, then sighed, "Mannnn, Naomi...!"

            She flew in, explaining her story as she made herself comfortable on my bed.

            After the baby had been born, Target and Bullet had had a massive fight and, in what had been an enormous display of backbone on his part, Bullet had decided that he and his idol should part ways. Since then, Naomi had been helping Target with the castle chores, such as Nina and Nicky, as the baby had been usurping all of Robin's time and energy (she hadn't really fully recovered from the birth, Naomi told me). Target had been staying home more to help Robin these days, while Marcus and Nicky had been doing most of the hunting.

            "What about Adrian?" I interrupted.

            "If I were talking to him and keeping up with him, which I'm not, I'd say the jerk off was in the Forest being pissed about nothing," said Naomi.

            "Nothing?" I echoed.

            "He wants to marry me right now and I said no, 'cause I like just living together. See? Nothing."

            "Oh," I replied, glancing sideways with a slight smirk. Naomi glared at me, as if sensing I wasn't taking her seriously, then continued. With the boys out hunting and Target with Robin and the baby, Nina and Naomi had had time to get to know each other. After only a few coversations with the kid, Naomi had decided there was hope for the little brat, and the kid was positive she was going to grow up to be an assassin. Not that Naomi had steered her in this direction intentionally, she explained, but she did tend to exaggerate the glamour of these jobs in the retelling of her adventures.

            "Anyway, Robin got all mad at me for no reason. She started cussin' me out with some of those words you use and then she told me I couldn't ever come back. But then, when I was leaving, I heard her and Target start to get into it, so I think things might be a little heated over there."

            "Well, Enn..." I began, ready to present the other side of things, as usual.

            "But I don't care," she continued. "Everybody over there's been incredibly pissy lately and I'm not staying around for it." She flounced out of the room and I jumped slightly as she slammed the door. Prudence and previous pain reminded me to catch the picture.

            I sighed and rolled my eyes.

            Duty calls.

 

 

            The castle Eternity had been aptly named in respect for the love that flowed between its ruling occupants. 'Course, the only thing flowing between the two of them right now was gratuitous insults.

            "Everytime we discuss this, you make it sound like my job has no worth whatsoever!" Target was saying.

            "Oh, pardon me! I had hoped I would've made that point much clearer by now!" Robin retorted. In the corner, Baby Derek wailed softly, but both his parents ignored him.

            "Oh, I see! Now ye want to poke fun at me intelligence, do ye?"

            "As if there were anything to poke at!"

            "Don't push me too far, woman. I may do something you'll regret!" growled Target.

            "You already have! For starters, you brought that hellion into my house and allowed her near my children!"

            "Again with this talk about her being a hellion! There is nothing wrong with hunting people for a living!"

            "Not to you, but to all the poor souls you've hunted down!"

            "To hell with them!"

            "And with you!!!" Robin flung a book at him and I noticed the abundance of literature on the floor at this point. I figured now was as good a time as any to break this up.

            "Okay, look, you guys," I began, already hitting my diplomatic peak. "Couldn't we just sit and..."

            "Shut up, Daina!" they both snapped at me. I shrugged and backed out. No point in hitting a diplomatic peak if you can't ski.

            "Didn't I tell you they were at it major?" came Naomi's voice from behind me. I nodded, feeling slightly ticked. In fact, I was actually getting kinda mad myself. Derek's wailing wasn't helping matters. "Come on," added Naomi.

            "Yeah, but they...!"

            "Come on!" she repeated, pulling my arm to bring me back through the door into my subconcious again. Almost immediately my anger began to subside.

            "But I gotta help or something..." I protested.

            "Don't waste your breath. They'll come to their senses and she'll see how wrong she is."

            "Doesn't the place seem weird to you?" I asked, thinking about how strange the mood of the castle felt.

            "Natch. There's a fight going on..."

            "No, no, like...like a disturbance in the force or something..." Naomi looked at me with a cross between exasperation and boredom on her face. "Right," I said, grinning sheepishly and ducking my head. "Sorry."

            "Thank you," she said. "Sheez, people get a little uptight and automatically you think something's up."

            "Well, everybody's pissed off at the same time and I just think it's kinda odd. Especially the deal with Bullet." I said, sitting down in my easy chair.

            Naomi stood thoughtfully for a second, then sat on the bed. "Well, I guess it is a little weird." She paused for a while, then said, "In fact, I'd say it was something about the castle if everybody that's been there had been getting..."

            My door slammed open for the fourth time that day (this time I caught the picture out of force of habit) and Christine stood in the doorway, arms folded, jaw set out as if I'd just told her she had to do something she didn't want to.

            "I am sick of that stupid baby!" she snapped.

            "...mad," finished Naomi, raising her eyebrows in surprise.

            "Derek?" I asked.

            "Derek!" said Naomi, softly, with a thoughtful frown.

            "Huh?" I said.

            "No, Joshua!" said Chris, stomping over and standing in front of me with the same stance.

            "'That stupid baby', as you so fondly put it, is your little brother." I reminded her.

            "I don't care! I don't want him in my room anymore! He trashed all my comic books and he's following me around everywhere!" I frowned with an understanding nod. Not only did I know what it felt like to be a big sister, I knew how hard it was to get mint condition comics in my subconscious.

            "Hi!" came a bright little voice from the door. Joshua toddled in determinedly and wrapped his arms around Christine's legs.

            "Come're, Puck," I said. He turned his head with a grin, closed his eyes tightly and pursed his lips (thus, the nickname Puckle, Puck for short). Chris gasped exasperatedly.

            "You're taking his side just 'cause he's the baby!" she exclaimed, peeling him off and floucing into the hall.

            "'Stine! 'Stine!" shouted Puck, waddling after her in a desperate attempt to catch up.

            "Chris, I was just...Chris!" I called after her.

            "She's not gonna listen to you now," said Naomi.

            I sighed. It was moments like these that made me wonder what had really happened to Chris and Josh's parents.

            Naomi stood up and looked at me. "Let's go." she said.

            "Where to?" I asked, following her.

            "I've got a hunch to follow," she replied, going to the permanent door to Eternity.

            When we got to Robin's room, she was asleep and Target was nowhere in sight. The room was a shambles, though, which I made plain by tripping over a book of spells near Robin's bed. Naomi hushed me, then crept silently over to Derek's bassinet. I made my way through the junk to the other side and peered in. Derek was still awake and he smiled at me. I grinned and waggled my fingers at him. He attempted to grab one and I tickled him under his neck.

            But Naomi frowned down at him, then looked at me. "This is it." she said.

            "This is what?" I asked.

            "This is the reason everybody's upset these days." she answered. "This kid is, like, radiating bad vibes."

            I looked down Derek in mild surprise, wondering if she weren't right. He grabbed my finger playfully and suddenly, I was sure this child was as innocent and pure as the driven snow.

            "Oh, puh-leez!" I said, frowning at Naomi.

            "No, I'm serious! This kid is really giving me weird vibes, like he isn't really a kid."

            "What?!" I gasped. "Derek is a newborn baby with no evil thoughts or anything of the kind. You, on the other hand..."

            "Happen to be positive that this kid is a hazard to the harmony in this castle." interrupted Naomi. I looked at her and she at me, then we both looked down at Derek, who was still grasping my finger. Naomi gently pulled his hand away, then lightly slapped my face. "Does this make more sense now?" she asked.

            Strangely enough, it did. I blinked, realizing she was right and that I had been proof. "How'd you know?" I asked.

            "Of all the silly human myths about us fairies, one of the few true ones is that we can only handle one emotion at a time. I made myself stay in a good mood so I could feel when there was a change. And around this kid, there's a major change. Besides, when I think about the times that any of us around this castle have had arguments, especially in this room, Derek's been fussy about being hungry or what not. If Robin wasn't so attatched to the kid, she'd see it, too."

            "See what?" she murmured from her bed.

            Naomi and I jumped, then exchanged glances again, this time in panic.

            "You tell her," said Naomi.

            "Me?! You were the one who said she'd come to her senses eventually!" I retorted.

            "Yeah, but not with my help!"

            "Well, I'm not doin' it!"

            "Well, neither am I!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Bye!" we both said, turning and heading for the door.

            "Hold it, both of you!" Robin demanded. We froze in midstep, Naomi wincing with fear and me glancing at the ceiling in prayer.

            "You rang?" said Naomi, her voice cracking as we turned around.

            "I believe I did," said Robin, sitting up. "Please, do sit down."

            "I'm fine," I said.

            "No thanks," said Naomi.

            "Alright, then one of you tell me what's going on."

            We stood fidgeting and staring around the room for a moment, then Naomi murmured, "You're the boss, you tell her."

            "It was your idea," I muttered back.

            "Yeah, but you agreed..."

            "Daina?" said Robin, looking to me for a reply.

            I paused to look at Naomi, who was studying her boots, then looked back at Robin and said, "Uh, well...Naomi thinks your baby's possessed."

            "I didn't say possessed," said Naomi.

            "Well, you said he radiated bad vibes."

            "Sour milk radiates bad vibes, but it's not what you'd call possessed."

            "Okay, more like he's bad milk," I said to Robin and Naomi groaned.

            "Exactly what are you trying to say?" asked Robin.

            "Well," I began, "I think, I mean, we think..."

            "She thinks," said Naomi.

            "She thinks, too...!"

            "Stop conjugating and get to the point!" snapped Robin.

            "We just think that..." I began.

            "That maybe Derek is making everybody feel mad around here." finished Naomi.

            "Like maybe he's got sort of an empathic kinda deal." I added.

            "Now, was that so difficult?" asked Robin. We shook our heads like chastened schoolgirls and she sighed.

            It was then that Derek began to cry.

            "Shit," we both squeaked under our breath.

            "He's just hungry," said Robin, reaching in the bassinet for him.

            "She touches him, we're dead," murmured Naomi to me. We exchanged glances, then quietly turned to sneak out. Before we could really get moving, Robin tossed a powerball of pain at both of us. It hit me straight in the back and I threw my head back, squinting in what could mildly be put as agonizing pain. My glasses, however, went flying to the floor without breaking, miraculously. Naomi, being used to emergency situations, dodged it and began to explain as fast as humanly (or fairly--ha!) possible.

            "Robin, the kid's got...waah!...powers majorly, man!" Naomi explained, ducking and dodging the balls Robin was vehmently flinging at her. "He might...ah!...not be doing it on purpose, but he's making the whole house nuts! If you'd just...augh!... concentrate on being happy for a little while, maybe you'd understand what I'm telling you...daah!" Naomi ran for the door, mashing the arm off my previously unharmed glasses in the process.

            "Understand this, you hellraising wildcat!" said Robin, hurling a ball after her. Strangely enough, after dodging this one, Naomi turned to look back at Robin.

            "Hey, what's wrong with raising a little hell? You used to do it," she said.

            For a moment, Robin stared at her in surprise. Then she raised her arm to throw another powerball and Naomi was in motion once again. The ball flew past me and I heard her howl in agony in the hallway as Robin spoke to me. "This pain is not only because of the nature of your news, but also because you didn't have the sense not to tell me."

            "Definitely my mistake," I mumbled, grabbing what was left of my glasses.

            "Stay out of my home and away from my child."

            "But, Robin, we..." I began, looking up at her.

            "Out!" she yelled.

            I dragged myself out the door, only to find Naomi on the floor leaning against the wall. She let her head roll sideways along the way to look at me as I army crawled across the floor.

            "Mighty brave of you to stay and help me, Enn," I grumbled, voice strained.

            "Mighty stupid of you not to have moved, Dee," she returned, her voice the same as mine.

            "Can you, me, my broken glasses and your stupid hunches go home and heal now?" I asked. She nodded and I trap doored us to my bedroom.

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