The Onset of A Panic Situation
Part
6
I had been through a lot of really nasty things lately, so it wasn't that I really ready to come up on a dead end and fall through the floor; I just didn't take it very seriously.
I hit the floor, then sat there irritably in the middle of the only room I'd ever seen with no holes; no windows or doors (save the one I'd just fallen through), no vents, no drains, nothing. "Oh, fine," I said aloud. "Screw me over. Two times, uh, uh..."
Technically, it was two since Jerry fell in right after me and right on me.
"Damn," I said morosely. "I will never speak aloud again."
"Daina!" he exclaimed, jumping off me. He grabbed me up and began to shaking and hugging me ecstatically. "I was so afraid you weren't gonna make it, man! I saw those 8 red squares coming after you..."
"Red squares...you saw me...what?" I asked, totally lost.
"I was playing a video game and you were the character I was controlling!" The look on my face obviously told him I was still circling the airport, so he began again. "Look, did you just fight eight...somethings, anythings?"
"Yes," I said wearily. "Eight demons. They were trying to tear my body into pieces by grabbing a part and running with it. I couldn't work the sword, so I shrunk and flew past them."
"I wondered why the square disappeared! I almost thought you died on me!" Jerry sighed in relief.
"Jerry," I said slowly. "Since I didn't buy a program on the way in, would you mind letting me go and telling me what the hell is going on?"
Jerry sat me down and told me of everything that had happened to him after going to clean out his subconscious.
"Remind me to never suggest that to you again," I said when he finished.
"Like I have to be reminded not to ever do this again?" he asked. "Anyway, as soon as I 'lost' as she put it, she dropped me in here and I found you."
"You landed on me, man." I corrected him.
"Well, you oughta look where I'm falling," he shrugged.
"Well, you oughta fall where I'm looking," I replied, and at that, we both had our first laugh of the day.
"Okay, so you're the subconscious mind expert, here, so what do we do now?" Jerry asked, as we stopped.
"I dunno," I said.
"Well, don't you know how to stop this Julie chick?" he asked.
"Well..." I began.
"I mean, isn't there some backup way to uncreate her or something?"
"Well, not really..."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Hey, look, man, I don't know, okay?" I exploded. Jerry gave me a look of surprise and I sighed. It took me a moment to collect myself, then I tried again. "Look...all I know is that you and I are stuck in a big box at the mercy of yet another bad guy."
"Girl," he corrected, standing up.
"Whatever," I shrugged, standing with him. "When this happens on my side, it's a life or death situation because I have an incredibly strong imagination. But when it happens on your side, it's a life or death situation because it is a life or death situation. Mine I can just wish away with a little concentration, but you've got just enough reality in yours to make it deadly, Jerry."
"What are you trying to say?" he asked me quietly.
I paused before shoving my hands in my pockets and saying, "I'm saying I don't know what to do. I'm the expert on entities, not realities. I don't think this is just some complex thought pattern that you can uncreate; this is a part of you that you've somehow denied and have to face. Even if you do, she may be so far gone that she'll take you over, maybe even kill the you that you are."
"And if I don't?" he asked.
"Then she'll probably kill us both," I said, turning and sitting heavily against the wall. "She's got nothing to lose killing me, that's for damn sure. I'm just a lot of fun to watch scream in terror and I'm not doing that very well, either."
Jerry smiled wanly. "I thought you did pretty good," he said. "'Specially with CD generated sound."
"You would," I grinned back. I paused a moment, then said, "Actually, as of late, you've been pretty nice to me."
"Yeah, see and you was all doggin' me and alla that..." he began, giving me a playful shove.
"Aww, man, shut up..." I began, then stopped as I felt the clouds of confusion part, giving way to the chilling dawn of comprehension. It was as if someone had just explained everything to me without words. Suddenly, I understood all too well what Jerry had to do and the very thought of it made me sick with fear. "Ohhhh, Jerry, dude," I breathed. "I think I just...figured it out..."
"What?" he asked.
"Julie's been fairly evil up to this point, right?" I questioned.
"Right," he agreed.
"And her first request of you was to see me, right?"
"Right."
"Okay, assuming this Julie is a part of you...and you've been really nice lately to me...that is, assuming she's your alter ego in a sense...she'll want you to be..." I couldn't finish, the thought was so scary, but he understood.
"Aww, no," he said softly, sitting down next to me and staring in shock. "You can't be serious!" He searched my face to see if I was, and, sadly enough, I was. "I can't do that! I can't just turn around and be mean to you, not after all the pain and shit we just went through! I've been trying to protect you all this time from getting hurt and now you think I'm supposed to hurt you? No way!!!"
I wanted desperately to agree with him, but I couldn't bring myself to. "You have to," I said quietly. "And there's no way you're going to be able to do this nicely or else you'll never beat her."
Jerry grew silent and I could tell he was actually getting pissed off. "So I'm supposed to treat you like shit until she comes back, is that it?" he summed up irritably.
"Or you've actually got to go her one better," I suggested.
"What, kill you?" he asked half-joking. I looked at him and he at me, then he jumped up angrily. "No, fuck that!" he snapped. "Fuckin' no way! Kill all that noise!"
"It's not like you haven't nearly done it before, Jer," I said morbidly assisting in my own demise plot.
"I was KIDDING, GODDAMMIT!!! We were PLAYING AROUND!!!" he bellowed. "Jee-zus...!!!" He turned away from me in a huff and I sighed again.
"Jerry, listen..." I began resignedly, but he rushed over to me and grabbed me by the shoulders.
"No, Daina, you listen," he said seriously. "I am not doing jackshit to you and no stupid evil lamefucking bull dyke bitch is gonna make me do shit to you, got it? So stop talking all this death shit and help me figure a way outta here!"
"You have to," I replied lamely. I was starting to feel like some sort of bizarre oracle. "You've been trying to live without evil ever since you promised to be nice to me for a month..."
"I take it back!"
"It's not that simple. You can't live without it; it's too much a part of you. That's why Stevie and Alan didn't just randomly happen into your life. They're part of you that you haven't quite lost, just like she is. They're no threat to you because you've grown past Stevie and learned to control Alan. But she's here to stay. She's your own evil, Jerry. Her ultimate challenge to you is herself. And you have to call her on it by accepting her back again."
"Not that way," he replied stubbornly. "We can do something else wrong or bad..."
"Not we, you," I said. "And why do you think you're alone here with me? There is nothing else."
"Stop it!" he said, turning away from me. "You're talking like a fuckin' martyr."
I turned his face back toward me. "I am a fuckin' martyr," I said softly.
He was finally looking directly at me again and a deep pleading entered his eyes, as if Stevie had returned somewhere within him. "Don't make me do this," he said bitterly.
"Don't let me suffer anymore," I replied, the words sounding braver than the tone.
We sat in silence for a moment, then he murmured, "Y'know, all those times...when I, like, said stuff that, like...pissed you off'n...and those times that I hurt you when we'd be messin' around..."
"I know," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Let me finish!" he demanded. "I always said I never had a conscience, but I did and I do and I just can't kill you, Daina, I just can't..."
Some giant part of me was terribly relieved, but the rest of me felt that I had to convince him how wrong he was. That was a feeling that was starting to really frighten me. I wanted to live and just find a way out of here, but I kept saying I wanted to die. Jerry must have seen this on my face, because he frowned at me.
"You look confused," he said.
"I feel...confused," I said uncertainly. Something was going on that I couldn't explain. I wanted to tell him, but then again, I didn't. "Jerry..." I began, then stopped, the sentence forgotten.
Jerry put his hands on my shoulders and searched my face. His facial expression didn't change, but something like disgust showed in his eyes. A shadow of a smile spirited across his face and I had the feeling that he understood. In fact, I had the feeling that he had a better grasp on this than I did. "Sprites," he grumbled. "You're so easily manipulated."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded, suddenly.
"Nothing," he said. "Look, If anyone here is going to die, it's going to be both of us or none of us. I'm not sacrificing you or anyone else to save my ass." He looked deep into my eyes and said, "Got it, Julie?"
I felt a giant emotional upheaval and then felt like I needed a long nap...