Pervading Interactive Stress Syndrome (PISS)

A Fourth Daina-n-Jerry Story

 

            I sat staring blankly at the ceiling with a shaky sigh. I was suffering terribly and Naomi wasn't even the cause of it.

            Here it was, nearly 4 in the morning and I was awake, wide awake, trying desperately not to remember the ounces in a Old San Francisco Steakhouse T-bone steak, as well as trying not to think about my four lesson plans due for class next week and the Summer II class I had to remember to sign up for and the gigantic crush I had on some guy who barely knew I was alive and the money I needed to repay Richard and the newsletter I had to write and the replacement car key I had to buy and the sleep I had to get before 7:45am.

            Oh, yeah, and did I mention the large yellowish cloud above my head that I had to avoid?

            The damn thing had been harassing me for nearly a week, getting larger and larger each time I saw it. At first, it had just shown up at night and I hadn't really paid any attention to it. But when it started to show up during the day and chunk things at me, like homework and garter belts, I started to get irritated. And when it started to talk to me...well, let's just say that I became concerned.

            Which is where I was right now.

            Concerned in a cold sweat.

            "Let's go over it again," said the cloud, its voice reminding me distinctly of Claudette, my trainer at Old San Francisco. "How many ounces is the T-bone?"

            "16...no, 18!" I corrected quickly, flinching out of habit.

            "Good cover," it said. "How long is it aged for?"

            "How long is it what???" I gasped.

            "The aging process for the beef; how long does it take?"

            I groaned. "I don't know, I..." A stream of garter belts shot like rubber bands at me and I curled up with a yelp. "Oww, Jee-zus Christ, I..."

            "Don't swear," said the cloud, sounding like my mother. "It's unladylike and it makes you sound like a sailor. Now, let's try again."

            "I'm tired," I moaned, still curled up. "I gotta be ta class in the morning."

            "Speaking of which," the cloud said, now sounding like Dr. Leavell, my professor at school, "have you thought any more about your unit lessons? They're due Tuesday, you know. That and your chapter reaction, your final exam organizer and you've got to get that whole unit bound and copied..."

            I felt like crying, but even my tear ducts were copping zzz's on me. The cloud continued to ramble and I fell into a lull as the voice droned on, going over list after list of things I had to accomplish before this week, by next week, by graduation, by my class reunion, before menopause and while my biological clock was still ticking...

            "Pay attention!" the voice snapped in a chorus of every annoying voice I'd ever heard. "You're daydreaming again."

            "It's night, not day and I'm not dreaming; I'm suffering!!!"

            "Alright then, go to sleep," said the cloud, turning its amorphous back on me. I sighed gratefully and turned over into my pillow. A blissful silence lasted for about two minutes before I heard, "Although I certainly couldn't sleep if I didn't know how to upgrade a rum or gin."

            I whimpered slightly, then turned back over to listen again. "Good," said the cloud. "Now tell me where the larger ounce meats come from."

            "Center cuts," I groaned.   

 

 

            Naomi threw open the door to Daina's room and found her not in. "Dee?" she called. "You here?" No one answered. Naomi frowned. Every night this week had found Daina awake past 3pm. Obviously, this was going to be another such night, as Daina's subconscious bedroom was still quite empty. If she had been asleep in her reality, Daina would have automatically transferred over to her subconscious, alias Naomi's reality.

            This not being the case, Naomi had to admit she was a little...concerned.

            A bright flash of light lit up the hall briefly and Naomi went back out. She could hear things falling in the file room, as if someone were throwing a ball against the wall. Curious, Naomi walked down the hall into the file room to investigate.

            There stood Daina and a pile of plates and dishes near her. Some were piled up near the wall and Naomi could tell (as she ducked another one) that these were where they had landed after hitting the wall. Not one dish or plate or even a glass, however, was broken.

            "Uh, Dee...what're you doing?" Naomi asked, watching Daina heave glassware at the wall.

            "It won't break," said Daina, looking almost hysterically at Naomi. "I keep making breakable things and throwing them and they won't break! Look!" Daina flung a fluted champagne glass at the wall as hard as she could and it hit, then bounced to the floor like a baseball might.

            "Why are you trying to break them?" Naomi asked, but Daina did not respond. Naomi watched her for a moment longer as Daina's panic mounted and she threw handfuls of fragile pieces at the walls and file cabinets around her with all her might without even chipping a single piece.

            Naomi stood watching in confused awe. This was one of many strange episodes and almost psychotic moments that Naomi had watched or heard Daina having in the past week. Aside from being utterly confusing in nature, they was also interrupting Naomi's normal pattern of sleep. A tug came at her elbow and she turned to find Joshua standing next to her.

            "Hi, N'omi," he said.

            "Hi, kid," she said, turning to watch Daina again. "Stay back, okay?"

            "'Kay," Josh agreed, peering around Naomi anyway. "What's Daina doing?"

            "Throwing shi...I mean, stuff at the walls," said Naomi without looking at him. Then, with a thoughtful frown, she added. "I think she's mad."

            Joshua looked up at Naomi and gasped sarcastically. "Well, du-uhhh!"

            This prompted Naomi to direct her frown to him. "Where do you learn crap like that?" she demanded.

            "From Stevie," Joshua grinned.

            "Then you can't go over there no more," Naomi said irritably.

            Joshua gasped again, this time in wounded despair. "That's not fair!"

            "Life is not fair and it plays especially dirty with rude little half-fairy kids like yourself," Naomi explained coldly.

            "Mannnn....!" Joshua sulked. "It's not like I said 'no shit, Sherlock' or something..."

            "What?" Naomi yelled.

            "Dammiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" Daina bellowed. Both Joshua and Naomi looked at Daina, who stood doing spastic motions with her arms as if she were uncontrollably angry. Then, as if she were talking to someone above her head, she looked up behind her and yelled, "I am not unladylike and I am being calm!!!!"

            "Alright, I gotta do something about this," Naomi said aloud. "She's being weird."

            "Well, I would say talk to Jerry, but you prob'ly think he's a bad 'fluence, too," said Joshua. Naomi started to say something in reply, but was stopped again by Daina, who was now shouting something about 12 ounce ribeyes being at the end cut of the loin.

            This, Naomi realized, might be a good time to confer with somebody who would be just as weird, if not weirder than Dee. "You know, kid, I think you're right," said Naomi. "Let's go see Jerry."

            "I can't; you said," Joshua said sullenly.

            "I said 'no Stevie', not 'no Jerry' and you can't stay here watching Dee go to the zoo, anyway," Naomi returned.

            "Why-yyyyyyy?" Joshua said.

            "Because I said!"

            "Chris-tine gets to!"

            "Christine isn't watching Daina and, besides, she can take care of herself," Naomi reasoned.

            "I can take care of myself; I beat up Alan," Joshua said proudly.

            "With Stevie's help," Naomi added.

            "Ah-ha, see, Stevie is a good n'fluence!"

            Naomi tensed up angrily, then said, "Look, either go with me now, or be in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the earliest bedtime ever recorded for a five year old."

            "Okay, gosh, I'm go-ing...!"

 

 

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