The Sprite & the Fairyhunter:  Quality Time

 

Room 8 (The Dungeon-ess Crab)

 

“Alright, y’know what? No more messing around with these things…we gotta take this seriously.”

Neena blinked, bracing herself against the now unlocked iron door that had the sounds of elderly anger and claw scraping coming from the other side. “Okay, did you just say you were going to take something SERIOUSLY?”

Adrian thought for a moment, his brow furrowing with confusion and the strain of holding the door shut. Holy crap, I DID just say that, he thought. “Yeah, I totally did and DO NOT try to stab me now because I really AM the right Adrian and even if I wasn’t, you’re gonna NEED me to help kill…whatever in seven hells THAT thing was.” He watched in relief as his wife slowly stopped reaching for her dagger.

“Okay, so how exactly are you going to destroy this creature with seriousness because apparently walking up and saying “Okay, seriously, we just wanna pass through” is NOT gonna be enough,” she snapped.

Adrian stopped for a moment and tried to think, which was truly difficult with the sound of the…thing he’d just hacked off on the other side of the door. Once Neena had disabled the pit trap and unlocked the door, he’d almost been relieved to see the elderly man in the rocking chair…until it stood up and he saw the rest of him.  “Did that thing actually SAY “get off my lawn” to me?”

“Yes, it did,” Neena sighed, the door heaving with the struggles on the other side.

“Friggin’ Olidammara. Remind me when we get home…”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re BOTH gonna join the temple of St. Cuthbert. In the MEANTIME….?”

Adrian’s mind reeled with ideas again. How did you fight something that looked more like a botched experiment between the town drunk and Lobsterfest? If it was really a huge crab, that would be easy, but one that looked like someone’s grandfather was much more difficult. He wasn’t sure whether to grab a huge mallet or a tapioca pudding. The claws alone looked big enough to shear him in two, which lent more credence to the idea of a hammer, but...

“What we need is something really big to hit this thing with,” he mused.

“Like a giant lemon and a huge vat of drawn butter,” Neena smirked.

Adrian looked at her with half a frown. “Okay, did you just make a JOKE?”

Neena’s jaw dropped. “Oh, gods, I DID! Okay, this is a MUCH bigger deal than I thought. We gotta get outta here.”

Fireworks went off in Adrian’s brain. “That’s it!” Without another word to his wife, he whipped his pack off and rummaged through it until he found the bottle he was looking for. He pulled it out and tossed back the contents as she watched.

“Adrian, don’t drink up the healing potions…!”

“It’s NOT a healing potion,” he said as his world began to diminish ever so slightly. “Get back and get invisible.” Within moments, he was twice his normal size, as was everything on him.

“What did you DO?” she demanded.

“Remember that enlargement potion we found?” Adrian asked, now holding the door shut with just the edge of his foot. “Thought that might come in handy for something…oh, wait!” He pulled out his waistband and grinned widely. “Sweeeet!”

“TELL ME YOU ARE NOT CHECKING OUT YOUR PACKAGE!!!”

“I’m NOT!” he lied, turning his attention back to the door. “I was checking to see if…my dagger grew...so I can fight…things.” Before she could respond, he added. “Okay, get invisible. If I can’t take this thing out with my bow, you’re gonna have to get him from behind.” He notched an arrow to his bow as she protested.

“This is a VERY bad idea…”

“Opening the door now!” he bellowed, then backed away as she faded from view.

The door flew open and the thing scuttled toward him in a rage. “I don’t wanna hurt you, old man!” he yelled, but when he could see it had no plans to stop, he loosed two arrows into it. It reeled backward with a roar that sounded more like an evil yodel than a monster, then came at him again. A claw gripped his midsection, cutting his belly open in a straight line while the other grabbed his thigh. In agony, he pulled the razor sharp claws apart, then tried to fire again. Something slippery beneath him dropped him on his back and he was stunned to find himself lying in his own blood. He rolled to the side as his arrow lodged in the ceiling, dropping a stone and some mortar near him that might have killed him at normal size. The creature came at him again, grabbing his leg and waist again in its grip, then stopped as red gouges appeared on its back. It cursed and tried to grab at the gouges, which Adrian knew must be coming from his unseen wife. With a supreme effort that made the floor even worse, he leaned up to place one more arrow between the creature’s eyes. It fell to the floor just as he did, the pain from his midsection burning into him like a hot poker to his entire body.

Neena appeared with a bottle in her hand that she practically threw down his throat. The relief was instantaneous, if not complete.

“I swear, I don’t know what goes through your HEAD sometimes,” she said grimly, sending her magic through to heal him.

“Claws,” he mumbled, not quite sure how he was getting air to even speak. “’m I okay?” He leaned up to try and look at himself, but the pain knocked the wind out of him again.

“Don’t sit up,” she growled, her shaking hands betraying her angry voice. “You look like a blender attacked you.” She reached for another potion and he stopped her.

“Don’t,” he gasped. “…dunno…need it later…lemme rest.”

She looked at him, then back at the bottle. He could see her weighing the options in her mind and knew he was right. If they met something worse than this in another room, they’d need all the potions they could get. With the danger passed here, they could rest as long as they wanted without needing to use one up. Still, she looked torn. He had to say something to make her understand he wasn’t as bad as he looked.

“Wan’ see…m’dagger?” he said, grinning crookedly.

Neena almost sobbed with laughter, then put the bottle away. “Rest,” she echoed, then leaned over to kiss him.

“Wait…treasure?” he slurred. He could feel the effects of her magic overtaking him and he didn’t want to go to sleep before knowing what they’d gotten.

“Nothing,” she said, stroking his head.

Adrian closed his eyes, then whispered. “G’me…th’ hat.”

He did not allow himself to drift off until he felt the monster’s battered ballcap in his hands…

 

 

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