Something very weird had happened to me.
It took me a moment to reorient myself, basically by remembering, Ah, yes, it's me, Daina, then going from there and trying to remember what exactly had happened to me.
The last
thing I remembered was being in a lot of pain, then seeing a really bright
white light with these...spirit people near me. They pulled me toward this
light and I...
I blinked, realizing that not only was I Daina, I was Daina of "recently deceased" fame.
Which is where I was just then. Standing at the gates to heaven.
In a long line of people.
The line moved and I moved with it without giving the action too much thought. I was dead! I was really dead! If all that was true, then I had just ruined the story lives of dozens of people and the real life of my two best friends who'd just so happened to be in my head at the time of my death.
I was too surprised, in fact, to even cry.
Then, again, if I have killed them, I thought morbidly, they're probably not that far back in line...
I craned my neck past the endless line of people, trying to see if I could recognize them at all. Luckily, I didn't recognize anyone immediately, which meant that no one I cared about (besides myself) was dead with me. I did notice that all the people in line seemed to be fairies or sprites, like me. Guess I'm in the right place, I thought. I wonder if I got out of line if I could just try going back...
Even as I thought this idea, I tried to move and found myself forced to stay in the line. In fact, the moving forward that I thought I was in control of was actually being done for me. I was already considerably closer to the front of the line than before.
I sighed, deciding rather judiciously to go with the flow. They couldn't force me to do anything; I'd do it myself!
I reached the head of the line fairly quickly and found myself at a table with a tall fairy woman and a clipboard. "Name?" she asked.
"Game," I finished.
"Name?" she repeated.
"Tag," I replied.
"Name?"
"Plate!" This is fun!, I thought. Wonder how long we'll play this game?
"Name?"
"Rank and serial number!"
"Look," said the woman with a sigh. "This we don't need from you. Don't make us send you back."
"Back home?" I asked.
"Further down than that," she said slowly and carefully. "Name?"
"Daina Threats," I said grudgingly.
"Occupation?"
"Idiot extraordinaire," I said sarcastically. She frowned at me, but wrote this down.
"Fairy or sprite?" she asked.
"Sprite," I said.
"Follow the line to your left. Make sure to curtsey," she said, jotting my name down.
"For who?" I asked, but she was already checking
the vitals on her next contestant. I sighed again and followed the sprite ahead
of me. She was disappearing through a doorway and I jogged a little to catch
up. I could hear a voice inside calling names out and I was reminded of my
graduation. God, I hope they get my name
right!, I thought irritably.
We followed the line of people around in semi-darkness until we came to a set of curtains being held apart by another fairy, this time male. He was stopping each person before their names were called, then letting them walk afterward. "Name?" he asked me.
"What is this, 20 questions?" I demanded.
"Come on, haven't got the rest of the afterlife to waste, you know!" he said.
"Daina Threats, professional bullshit artist," I said sarcastically.
"Daina Threats, professional bullshit artist," he announced. "Go stand there," he said, pointing to a spotlit area in front of me, "and remember to..."
"Curtsey, I know," I said, walking out. Then, in a low tone, "People bossin' me around so much, this can't be heaven."
I walked to the spotlight and curtsied deeply the way I'd been taught as a junior debutante, but I didn't have a dress, so I looked awkward. Even more awkward was the response I got when I looked up. There was a lady in a throne in front of me leaning somewhat on her hands as if bored with the proceedings. She was so familiar, I almost couldn't say her name for my shock.
"Fallon????" I cried incredulously.
Her head jerked up in surprise. "Lady Daina? What are you doing here? This is for the dead, not you."
"I'm dead," I said.
She smiled. "Don't be silly," she said. "If you were dead, would I still exist?"
I gave her a blank look as the idea set in. "I'm not...I'm not...YEEESSSSSS!!! YESSSSSS, oh papa, yes!!!" Fallon laughed at my histrionics, but did nothing more to stop them then wave her courtiers out of the room.
"So, what did you do to get here?" Fallon asked me when they'd gone. "And how's Naomi?"
"I think I died in a Valorian crystal," said I sheepishly. "And Naomi's the same; obnoxious as ever. She's got a real steady guy now and she's having his baby."
"Is she really?" said Fallon, leaning forward with a tender smile. "I knew it; I told you guys my sister wasn't all that evil. That baby's going to change her whole life."
"Hope so," I agreed wryly, "'cause her whole damn pregnancy's changing ours."
Fallon laughed merrily. "Pyr’s Hallowed Halls, I've missed you guys so much!" she sighed, using a swear phrase straight from her hometown of Pyrope.
"We've missed you, too," I replied. "Especially Naomi."
Fallon's face fell visibly. "Has she?"
"She has," I said seriously. "When are you coming back?"
"I can't," she said, "Did Naomi ever tell you why I left?"
"Yeah, but none of that stuff ever matters now. Naomi's reformed as best as she can and..."
"I know, but in case you haven't noticed, this is where dead fairies and sprites go," Fallon said.
"Yeah, but..." She looked at me hard. Suddenly, I understood. "Oh...you mean...you're...?"
"Yes and no," Fallon said. "I was actually trying to send myself to the only place Naomi couldn't reach me, like she told me to do, and I ended up here. If I tried to return now, I'd be dead."
"Damn," I said, deciding to change the subject. "Well, you look important enough here."
"I'm sort of queen here now." she shrugged modestly. "Apparently, I wasn't dead when I came and I'm supposedly still not. That gives me the power to enforce staying here. It's just..."
"You can't go, I know," I sighed. "Too bad. Naomi'd really like to see you. Well, when I tell her I saw you, she'll be happy enough."
Fallon frowned prettily. "Actually, Lady Daina, you can't leave, either."
I blinked at her for a moment, then laughed. "Okay, now, in real life..."
"I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but you're in the same boat I was in. Alive, but not alive. If I let you go, there are no rules to hold the others by," Fallon said apologetically.
I must've looked like an idiot, but I still couldn't bring myself to do anything but kneel on the ground in shock. "So what you're saying is I might as well be dead," I said.
“Well, let’s not make too much of this,” she said. “It’s not that bad. You are, after all, Lady Daina, queen of narrow escapes, next to my sister, that is. Something'll happen."
"Does that mean you'll...?" I asked hopefully.
"I can't do anything to help you," she said in a low voice. “If I broke these rules, I’d be sent back to where I came from and...”
“Then you’d be dead,” I sighed.
Fallon nodded sympathetically. “So I can do nothing to help you,” she said again, this time much louder. She clapped her hands and two courtiers entered the room. "Take this one to one of the laymen's suites," she said.
The courtiers helped me up and I looked at Fallon desperately. As we walked away, however, I could’ve sworn she murmured,
"But I certainly won't stop you."
“Naomi, what should we do?” Jerry asked, still trying to pry Naomi’s fingers off his shoulder. He, Thom and Naomi were now in Daina’s subconscious in Naomi’s bedroom helping her into bed.
“Get Alan!” she hissed, lying down.
“Get Alan!” Jerry retorted back at Thom.
“Get Alan?” Thom asked.
“Get Alan!” Jerry repeated.
“Right!” said Thom, turning to run off. He stopped, then looked back. “Where’s Alan?”
“Where’s Alan?” Jerry repeated. He turned back to Naomi. “Where’s Alan?”
“Where’s Alan?” she screeched.
“Yeah, where’s...?”
“Cut the crap, man, I’m having a baby and you two sound like fucking parrots!” she grimaced. She yanked Jerry’s face closer to hers and spoke in dark tones. “You find him and you bring him here right now (here she pulled out her energy gun and crammed it into the side of Jerry’s nose) or I’ll give new meaning to the word “ventilation”. Can you say ventilation with me, Jerry? I know you can...”
“Ventilation,” Jerry murmured, half-heartedly.
“Good boy!” Naomi said, sounding far too friendly to be safe. “Now, what’s your plan of action here?”
Jerry looked from Naomi to the gun to Thom without moving anything but his eyes. “I’ll go look for Alan,” he said, his voice nasal from the closeness of the gun.
“Good idea,” said Naomi, grinning madly as she released him.
Jerry jumped up and ran past Thom through the door to his subconscious, stopping only briefly to say, “Son...you’re on your own.”
Thom could actually feel the dread creeping down his spine like gangrene setting in.
“Lawdy, Miss Naomi,” he began sheepishly, looking back at Naomi, “I don’ know nuffin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies!” Naomi let loose a scream that dropped Thom to his knees in a worried panic.
That panic turned to confusion when he realized the scream was only the beginning of a peal of a laughter.
“Oh, shit, she’s flipped,” Thom muttered.
“You don’t have to know anything,” she laughed, calming down gradually. “I ain’t having no baby!” She looked down at her semi swollen abdomen and added, “Well, not anytime soon, anyway.”
“You mean you faked this whole thing?” Thom demanded.
“Yeah!” shrugged Naomi, as if this was no big deal.
Thom could hardly speak for a few moments. Finally he closed his eyes and whispered, “Why?”
“To keep Jerry off your ass for a while,” she said simply. “Just because he’s the sidekick doesn’t mean he has have to totally take over every time Daina’s dead.”
“Every time?” Thom echoed. “Don’t even play like this is gonna be a regular occurrence.
”You’d be surprised,” Naomi nodded. “Now, the way I see it, Daina’s probably stuck in between realities somewhere and you’ve gotta do what you did again...go get her and hold on.”
“I can’t do that!” Thom exclaimed.
“It worked before.”
“Well, before, it was cool; we were dressin’ up and we had magic and it was like a big fashion show with special effects,” said Thom, sculpting the scene with his hands as he spoke. “This is different.”
“How?” Naomi demanded.
“What if I can’t come back, either?” Thom asked.
Naomi considered this. “Then that would severely alter our plans, so don’t fuck up, ‘kay?” Thom gave her a withering look and she sighed, “Just do it, okay? Try and tell me you don’t want to.”
“I don’t want to,” said Thom dutifully.
“Now mean it.”
Thom faltered. “Bi-itch!” he said, stamping a foot on the ground.
“I win,” she grinned. She stood up and walked out of her room. Thom followed her down the hall to Daina’s bedroom. On the bed was the crystal statue that represented all that was left of Daina from being in the Valorian crystal. Thom shuddered slightly at seeing it, remembering the experience, but Naomi placed a hand on the statue and held out the other to Thom. “Here’s the deal. I’m gonna call her, like usual and we’ll see if you can’t follow that call to her.” Thom hesitated and Naomi sighed again. “Come on,” she said. “The worst that could happen is that you’d both die.”
“Oh, there’s incentive!” Thom grumbled, taking Naomi’s hand. The feeling he had now come to associate with magic powers at work encompassed him and he felt himself flying again. He closed his eyes, so as not to become sick and let the magic take him where it would...