“Hey, mama, do fries go with that shake?”
“Walk that funky walk, baby!”
“She can give me CPR anytime!”
“Hook me up with a double helpin’ o’ THAT cherry!”
Josh and Stevie sat in Stevie’s room watching one of the three episodes of “Baywatch” that they owned. As far as they knew, the girls on the show were gorgeous, so, to stay socially acceptable, they usually had it turned on so they could hoot and whistle at the girls like “cool kids” did.
In all reality, they usually let the tape play while they did anything but watch the tv. Presently, Stevie was playing “Mortal Kombat” on his Sega Genesis and Josh was reading a vintage issue of Spiderman while lying/hanging off the edge of Stevie’s bed. Every few moments, one boy or the other would pipe up with a comment, but neither was actually watching the show.
“Hey, Stevie, man, what’s the deal with Julie?” Josh asked after a moment. “How come she gets free run of the place and we don’t?”
“Probably because nobody wants to try and stop her,” Stevie said, maneuvering Cage into a flying round kick. “I mean, she is, after all, at least two-thirds of Jerry’s evil compressed into one 3 year old female.”
“Where’s the other third...” Josh began, but almost simultaneously he and Stevie both said,
“Alan.”
Stevie laughed. “Either that or it’s because nothing can get Julie in here, except maybe Jerry.”
“You hope,” Josh murmured.
His best friend shrugged. “She’s not scared of me or Alan or anything in this place, so she pretty much does what she wants, so long as Jerry doesn’t think she shouldn’t be doing it. Then he takes her in for a little talk and she comes back out about 5 minutes later looking all cute and innocent again.”
“Yeah, but she still stays in that weird back file room,” Josh sighed. “She just she creeps me out, man.”
“Don’t worry about it. She always listens to me and she really likes you,” Stevie grinned.
Josh shuddered. “Ugh, I know; don’t remind me. Look,” he added, “let’s not play back there anymore.”
“What’re you, scared of ‘er?” Stevie teased.
“No!” Josh exclaimed. “I just...she’s just weird, that all.”
“Yeah, right. You just like her, that’s all.”
Josh moved the comic out of his face to glare at Stevie. “Take it back, buffalo cheese!”
Stevie snorted. “What kinda stupid thing is that to say to somebody?”
“Stupid is as stupid does!” said Josh indignantly. They both looked at each other for a beat, then Stevie said,
“I’m not sure you’re actually scoring a point for yourself with that one, man.” Josh frowned, then shrugged wordlessly. They went back to their respective activities and would have continued doing them if Stevie had not needed one final parting shot.
“Just looking for a opportunity to take advantage of the girl,” he added, grinning to himself. He knew Josh well enough to know that when it came to insults, Josh didn’t have the self-control to not react like a bantam rooster
“That’s it!” snapped Josh, throwing his comic down. He stood up on the bed. “Take it back...now,” he added, pointing down at Stevie.
“Make me!” said Stevie, turning to face him (with Josh standing on the bed, Stevie only stood a head shorter than his friend).
“I will!” Josh leapt off the bed with a war whoop and a madman’s grin. Stevie caught him and they hit the floor with a crash.
They were still playfully wrestling and scuffling with each other when Julie opened the door. The boys rolled to a stop at her feet, then Stevie looked up irritably. “Don’t you know how to knock, buffalo cheese?” he demanded of her.
“I thought you said that was stupid?” Josh muttered to him.
“It still is,” Stevie replied. Josh sat trying to understand this while Julie answered Stevie.
“Yes,” she replied, “I just don’t.”
“Well, you better start learning how,” Stevie said threateningly as he and Josh stood up to face her. Josh almost unconsciously stepped slightly behind Stevie, but looked just as fierce.
“I just wanted to give Josh a present,” Julie said plaintively.
Stevie sighed. “So give it and get out and knock next time!” he retorted.
“Stevie, wait...” Josh began.
“Cool!” said Julie, then she pulled out a camera. “Say cheese!” she added, aiming the lens toward the two boys.
The memory of the camera came flooding back to Josh like a freight train and he yelled out, “Stevie, duck!” Julie clicked the button, just as Josh hit the floor. He heard his friend’s strangled cry of surprise, suddenly realizing he hadn’t hit the floor with him.
Josh popped back up again and found Stevie gone, but Julie still standing in the doorway fanning another Polaroid picture. “Come see it,” Julie said.
Weakly, Josh stumbled to her side to look down at the picture of his best friend. Stevie had his hands up, as if trying to push her away and he looked as worried as Josh felt. Josh tried to take the picture from her, but she yanked it away with incredible agility.
“I wanna play house in about 15 minutes in the file room. Okay?” she said.
“What about Stevie?” he asked, almost whining.
“He’s fine, I guess,” she shrugged. “I can get him back if I want. See?” She took out the picture she had of the file cabinet and ripped it in half. There was a flash of bright light, then the file cabinet appeared, torn in half as if by some giant hand. “Just not in one piece. So, if you don’t want the same to happen to you...”
Josh felt like crying. How’m I supposed to get him back without killing him? “I’ll tell Jerry on you!” he yelled suddenly.
“So I’ll get a picture of him, too,” Julie shrugged. “Or I’ll just destroy the nice picture I’ve already got.” She looked at Stevie’s picture again, then handed it to Josh, purring, “You can have it if you want, since you’re so nice.” Josh practically leapt at the chance, but she yanked the picture away again and tucked it into her non-existent bosom. “Psyche,” she smiled, walking away as Josh’s face fell again. “See you in 15 minutes.”
Jerry had pretty much left Alan’s special room alone in the past, simply because he’d never had a reason to go inside, but since the threat of Naomi’s insanity still hung over him (and since, he remembered with an indignant twist of the doorknob, he owned everything in this brain, inclusive of Alan’s special room), he ran in with only the briefest of apprehensive pauses.
Jerry had done some pretty amazing things in his life, but, up ‘til now, dodging a bullet had yet to be on that list.
Which meant there was always a first time.
He had no idea what incredible survival instinct had caused him to leap sideways, especially since, in the real world, even a quick dodge couldn’t have saved him from the .45 sized hole in the wall, but the little red laser light on his forehead told him he had no time to marvel at dumb luck. He sprung up and over toward a rock, that, until he had fallen behind it, he had no idea how he’d done it.
Shots ricocheted off the rock on the other side as he stifled a horrified scream. When they finally stopped, he took a tentative peek over the edge of rock and almost squeaked, “Alan?”
His reply was the unfamiliar, yet readily recognizable feel of a gun barrel against his temple. Fear sent an icicle of panic down his spine that froze him in position, so much so that he could not bear to even look at the person behind the gun. Mentally, he tried to remember he was the boss here and that he did have magic he could use on this person, but by the time he’d partially come to this realization, he felt a tension in the gun and felt the click of the trigger being pulled against his head.
He shrieked hysterically and half fainted, half threw himself to the ground. He lay there gasping, sure he could feel a gaping hole in his head, but surprised to realize the pain in his head was from slamming to the floor.
“It’s only a .22, you pussy,” the person muttered. Jerry looked up and saw Alan standing there, holding the gun in a ready position near the side of his head. He pulled off the Ray-Bans he was wearing and Jerry saw that his eyes were closed and he had a slow smile that was creeping across his face, almost as if he’d just had sex. He took a deep shaky breath, then chuckled a little, opened his eyes and looked at Jerry. “And it was out of bullets. Relax,” he said, then he turned away and started loading bullets into the chambers of the gun. “For a minute. Then I’ll give you a 3 second headstart this time.”
Jerry came to faster than a mouse just given a second chance by the cat. “Alan, wait...”
“Good, you’re ready,” Alan said. “Oops, lemme switch guns.” He tossed away his .22 handgun, then unslung a shotgun from his back and cocked it. “Much better. One...”
“No, listen, man, this is...”
“...two...” Alan aimed at Jerry, who began to rush his news brief.
“...really-important-Naomi’s-having-the-baby-RIGHT-NOW-AHHHHHHH!!!” Jerry ducked his head as Alan said,
“...three...what?”
Both men took a moment to look at each other in confusion, then Jerry jumped up and grabbed the gun. “Dammit, Alan, you’ve nearly killed me four times in less than 2 minutes! Are you outta your freakin’ mind?!?!”
Alan stared at Jerry very seriously. “Jerry, I am very impressed with my average as well, but now is not the time to be discussing trivial stuff. Has she already gone into labor?” Jerry gaped at Alan in disbelief, then made a sound that Alan took to mean he didn’t know. “Forget it,” said Alan, pulling him back out the door again by the front of his shirt. “We’ll go find out. And, I’m telling you man, if she’s not having the baby now, I’m gonna break my record on kill attempts...”
Josh trudged slowly toward the file room, feeling the sense of impending doom upon him. He nearly tripped over L.J. in the half light. He was sitting outside the door to Julie’s room looking very depressed. “What’re you doing out here?” Josh asked him.
“Julie won’t play with me,” L.J. said morosely.
Josh raised an eyebrow. “Lucky you,” he replied in the same tone.
The door flung open and Josh was blinded by the surprising presence of...well, pink. In Julie’s heart of black hearts, she was obviously still a girl.
Somehow, that actually made it worse, he thought.
“Hel-looo, Josh,” she said, grabbing him by the front of the shirt.
“Hey, Josh!” came a different voice that caused the “Alleluia” chorus to resound through Josh’s head. He, Julie and L.J. turned to find Jerry standing at the other end of the hall.
“Jerry...!” Josh began.
“Oh, good, you’re all here,” Jerry said. “Look, me and Alan are going to check on Naomi and the baby, so play nice while we’re gone, okay?”
“Okay!” Julie answered for them, then yanked Josh into the room. She shut the door, then turned leisurely to smile at Josh. “I’m so glad you could make it. I love playing with people who really understand and care about me.”
And who would that be?, Josh thought sarcastically to himself, wanting desperately to say it aloud, but making nothing more than a slight sound of agreement as she walked past him and over to a big box in the corner.
He took this opportunity to sneak out like the chicken he knew he was. Just as he turned to open the door, it opened on its own, knocking him back a few feet to the floor. Alan stuck his head in and glared at Julie.
“Julie, bitch...where is my gun?”
“What gun?” she asked innocently, turning to look at Alan.
“Don’t play with me, man, I need it! Naomi’s having her baby right now!” Alan snapped.
Julie frowned. “Whatever,” she said. She mumbled something unintelligable about needing a gun at a birth being stupid, then reached into the box she was digging in (her toybox) and tossed Alan a .357 Magnum with the ease of an experienced gunman.
“Thank you!” he retorted, checking to see if it was loaded. “Don’t touch my shit anymore.” Something in Josh’s face must have caught Alan’s eye, because he added. “What’re you doing here?”
Josh started to speak and even to get up, but Julie said, “We’re playing house, so get out!” She threw a stuffed teddy bear with a spike through its eye at Alan. Josh swerved it as it came past him and Alan ducked it with almost a routine boredom.
“Women are like this everywhere, man,” said Alan briefly. “Surrender now and you won’t get hurt.” With that, he left.
“I still got his .22,” Julie grinned at Josh, who half stood, half knelt, looking from her to the door in shock. So close and yet so far!
He fell back to the floor while Julie continued to dig in her toybox. He’d had two chances to get somebody’s help and they’d fallen through. He was starting to feel more than just and imminent doom now. In fact, it was rapidly escalating to the actual moment of doom...
“Oh, Joooosh-ie-Pooooo! Look what I got for youuuuuu!”
Josh turned and openly gasped in horror at what Julie had just rummaged out her toybox. She held a baby bonnet, a pacifier and even a baby dress that was made to fit a larger child. From the look on Julie’s face, he had pretty much assumed that child was supposed to be him. “Okay, so I’ll be the mommy and you be the baby. Come on, Joshie-Poo, mommy has to get you ready to go to the dentist,” Julie added, babytalking to him as she approached.
Josh closed his eyes and shuddered in horror at the dainty sound of his own private hell, then had another chilling thought. “Oh, God...who’s the dentist?” he asked, his voice shaking.
Julie smiled. “We’ll worry about that after we get you strapped down in the chair.”
Josh couldn’t help but make a small sound of panic as he jumped up and ran to the door. He was stopped halfway by two things. One was Julie screeching, “You promised!!!” at the top of her lungs. Two was the fact that she whipped out Stevie’s picture and grabbed it with both hands as if she meant to tear it right then and there.
“No!” Josh shouted, running across the room and sliding to his knees at her feet. He grabbed her by the sides and shook her. “Okay! I’m sorry! Really!”
Julie opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the creak of the door opening again and another child’s voice wafting through the little crack.
“”Pretty please, could I please play, Julie?” L.J. began, babbling as if he knew she was going to cut him off. “I’ll be the baby and you could be the mommy! I’ll even wear a diaper if you want...”
Julie had
been storming across the room like everybody’s grandpa says they did on the
beaches of
Josh had never so totally helpless like this before. The worst part was that it kept coming and going everytime he thought someone was about to save him. But every person he knew that could help was either beyond reach, or effectively neutralized.
Which was what he was about to be if he didn’t do something to stop the advance of the evil little 3 year old with the diaper and the pacifier in her hand.
But in this final moment of doom, something in Josh suddenly clicked. He was all alone, but it wasn’t as if he couldn’t do something to save himself. He wasn’t totally devoid of magic, and as he huddled over with a smile forming on his face, he remembered he wasn’t totally lacking in charm, either.
He turned and stood to face Julie, opening his arms toward her. “Julie,” he said warmly. “Baby.”
For a moment, Julie was actually stunned and Josh felt a sudden surge of confidence. I must never use this power for evil, he thought. She slowly walked toward him first, then ran at him and threw herself around him so fast they both tumbled to the ground.
“You love me!” she gasped “You love me, you love me, you...”
“Alas...(even Josh mentally frowned at his use of the word)...I cannot. You are far too good a woman for me, my lovely.” He sat up, then began to stroke her face gently with the back of his hand as he spoke. “I could never learn the ease for evil that you have and I fear I shall always lack in that area, so much so that you will soon tire of me.”
Julie gasped that Josh should even think such a thing. “No, I wouldn’t!”
“You would,” said Josh, closing her eyes with two stubby, but tender fingertips, “which is why I do not deserve you. You deserve someone whose capability to destroy comes closer to your own.”
“Oh, like Alan?” she said with a little dreamy smile.
Josh considered this for a moment, starting to grin a little himself. Then he shook the thought away. Nah, too easy, he thought. Besides, eventually she’ll realize he’s no more interested than I am and she’ll be back on me.
“No, Julie, what you need is a....” Josh paused for a moment and suddenly, then words came to him like the sales pitch of the century. He continued to stroke her face as he reached for magic deep within himself for help. “Picture this. A kid...nay...the perfect kid, who truly appreciates your feminity.” As Josh spoke, images began to whirl around them, images that sprang forth from Julie’s mind and began to form with his help. A boy, still draped in shadow, but looking vaguely like Josh, stood there. He continued to talk, helping her alter that image to suit his purpose. Slowly, it began to look less and less like him. ”Somebody who would love to play the baby to your mommy in house, secretary to your executive, even the milkman to your lonely housewife. A coarse little runt like me can’t begin to do that for you.”
“I could make you,” said Julie eagerly, about to open her eyes and jump up.
“No, no!” Josh almost shouted, nearly losing his concentration. “I’m a waste of your time. I’m already molded into this crude person who cannot worship you as you need. But this boy...this is the boy you want.” He turned her head to face the image and she opened her eyes.
“L.J.?” she frowned.
With that, Josh’s magic came to a head and L.J., somewhat surprised, found himself in standing in front of Julie. “Yes?” he said.
“Oh, L.J.!” gasped Julie, shoving Josh aside to leap at her new love interest. “You love me, you love me, you...”
“Yeah, I do, I do, I do...” L.J. cried happily.
“Uh, I hate to break up true confessions here, but can I have Stevie’s picture back?” he asked timidly. Julie turned on him irritably and zapped him with a quick bolt of pain.
“No!” she said. “Get out!” The image of it came into Julie mind, however, and Josh waited until she’d turned away to use his magic to pull it into reality above her head. He causully plucked it from above her head, wincing only slightly with the pain she’d shot at him. Julie was too busy smothering L.J. with love to notice.
“Okay,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets with a small grin. “See ya.”
He stepped into the hall and tore the picture, being careful to tear across the top edge close to Stevie’s head. Stevie appeared in a flash of light, looking somewhat confused.
“What are...where’s Julie?”
“Playing house with L.J.,” said Josh. “I just saved your life.”
“Yeah, right,” laughed Stevie, walking away. “I’ll play ya Mortal Kombat.”
“I did!” Josh protested.
“Come on!” said Stevie.
“That’s it???” gasped Josh. “I save you and myself, then you just...” He stopped as his eye caught a briefly blinding glare. The light above Stevie’s head was glinting off his bald spot.
Bald spot???, thought Josh. He looked at his feet and on the floor where he’d been standing was a large lump of brunette hair. Maybe he had torn the picture a little too close...
He decided to let it go. After all, why waste a perfectly good laugh now?