"Dain...Daina, babe, wake up."
I jolted awake and looked around me. Tall grass was blocking my view of everything except the pale blue sky and Jerry, who was leaning over me intently.
"Where are we?" I asked groggily.
"I don't know...but I think we're outside." He gave me a sarcastic look, then walked off and I groaned.
"I can see that, whiz," said I, cursing him silently for being such a smartass.
"Dain, come check out the rain!" he said.
I stood up and looked around. The tall grass stretched out into a large field that began to slope downward a little ways away from me. Jerry was standing on this hillside and I walked over to join him.
"Dain, rain...you're a poet, Jerry. A really bad poet, but..." I began.
"No, check out the cloud __ coming this way." he said, pointing upward.
I looked and saw the black looming mass rolling in from a distance. In contrast, the sky it was invading was a sort of pale blue, almost off white. At the border of the clouds, a mist was trying unsuccessfully to gather into a cone.
"Wow!" I gasped, realizing I was viewing a natural phenomenon. "That's cool!"
"Yeah, idnit?" he agreed. The wind picked up around us and the tall grass began to lean a little as the funnels tried to form without success.
"Haven't we ... been here before?" Jerry asked me, still enthralled in the clouds. "Or seen this or something?"
"Yeah," I replied, also lost. "I think so. That one time we played racquetball and we saw that tornado trying to ... form.” The cloud __ was moving toward us and I could smell the rain. "Dude," I frowned, realizing we were about to get deluged.
"Yuh?" Jerry replied, also frowning.
"Shouldn't we, ah ... move?" I said.
"Like, go inside?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Yes," he said. "Where?"
I paused. "Good point. But we need to do something."
"Okay, let's go find shelter."
"Good idea. Let's go."
Still, we stood almost stock still staring up into the sky as the grass flattened in the heavy gusts of wind.
"Jerry."
"What?"
I paused, then said, "We ain't moving."
Jerry looked at me, then around himself. "I did not know that. Why aren't we?"
"Beats me, but..." My eye caught the cloud __ again and the sentence died on my lips. Jerry looked up where I was standing and perfectly phrased my present emotions:
"Ho ... ly ... shit!!!"
The funnel that had been trying to form was nearly touching the ground directly in front of us! A horrible screaming sound was emanating from the cloud, growing louder and more intense as it came closer, making both Jerry and I become more and more desperate to move. By the time the funnel touched ground, we were screaming with it.
"Aaaaaaaaaooooowwwww BA-BY!!!"
The funnel disappeared, leaving a tall black woman with a large staff and a glittering rainbow colored floor length dashiki standing in front of us. "Make way for the lean, the mean and the (and I swear I heard three snaps here) pristine, Queen Kareen, on the scene!" She paused, looked at us with a smile and put her hands on her hips. "Ooo, honey, I do make a fine entrance, don't I?"
Jerry and I had stopped screaming almost simultaneously. We exchanged glances, then peered at the woman. Something was oddly different about her, I thought as she checked her peach lipstick.
"Am I matchin'?" she said, displaying her features, then she flapped a hand at me as if to disregard her question. "Oh, never mind, look who ahm askin'. Okay, bay-bies, I'm gonna have to take you with me, now, heah? And don't look at me like that!" she said, delicately putting a rainbowed, three inch, well-manicured nail under my jaw to close it. "You gon' catch flies that way!"
"Rainbows," I groaned. "I shoulda known."
Omigod," Jerry gasped, "she's family!"
"Great," I said. "I'm being kidnapped by Ru Paul!"
"Ahhhhhhh, no, girl, don't even compare Queen Kareen to that bleached out hussy!" screamed the woman. "I'm like java, honey, expresso. She's like...generic coffee with old Creammate."
"I'll handle this," Jerry said to me. Then, he turned to Queen Kareen. "Diva!!!" he shrieked, extending his arms in greeting. I rolled my eyes, suffering dreadfully.
"Diva...? Oh, no, you ain't!" Queen Kareen gasped.
"Yes, I am!" Jerry smiled.
"No!"
"Yes!"
"Heyyyy-yyyy, girlfriend!" they both squealed and the spell on Jerry's mobility was broken as they fell into each other's arms.
"You know each other?" I said incredulously.
"No, but sexual persuasion transgresses all barriers, honey," Queen Kareen said.
"Yeah, how would two fairies not know each other!" Jerry shrugged.
I sighed heavily. "Can I go now?" I asked.
"Oh, no, see that's the sad part," said Queen Kareen, releasing Jerry. "Much as I love meeting and greeting new sheep into the flock, you're gonna have to go, sugar."
"Noooo, why?" Jerry said.
"I can't help it, honey, I can't stay beautiful and powerful like this without help. And you know how vain and bitchy a near-ugly queen can be!"
"No, I've never had that experience personally," Jerry said, patting his coif.
"Okay, now, don't git nasty!" said Queen Kareen half-seriously. "She can go first." she added, directing her attention and her staff toward me.
"Why me first?" I demanded.
"Make-up tips, honey," the Queen said. "I know you don't have none!"
"Yes, I do," I snapped angrily, having been pushed to my limit. "That shade o' peach don't even go with them rainbow sequins!"
"Oooooo, you eeee-vil little breeder bitch!" she screeched. "Ouuu, no, you gonna suffer now!" She pointed her staff at me and white hot fire shot from its crystal tip through my body. It was all I could do not to rip all the grass from the ground around me in my agony. My screams were echoing all over the place as it was, so I didn't hear Jerry run up to me, but I definitely felt him broadside me. The bolts of fire flew into just him as he pinned me to the ground and yelled for me, and then the bolts stopped entirely and we were both gasping in pain and exhaustion.
"You okay?" he wheezed, looking down at me.
"Yeah, but not for long, I take it," said I in the same tone.
I was right, of course. Queen Kareen was storming over to us cursing like somebody's grandmother under her breath.
"Sweet Jesus Lord, don't make me hurt this chile fo' I have to! Jumpin' his lil' skinny, no sense-havin' behind up in here when I'm tryina...boy, what are you doing!"
We exchanged glances, then looked back at her. "Uh, savin' my friend?" Jerry replied quizzically. "I thought it was kinda obvious."
"I did, too..." I agreed.
"Oh, botha y'all shut up fo' I whoop you both!" she snapped, whacking Jerry's butt hard until he had to yelp and roll over on his back for protection. "Now, look," said the Queen, pointing a "get this straight NOW" finger at us, "I do not have time to play. I am not in the business of chasin' 'round after children. Now either behave yo' asses or I'mo put a 12 pack a' whoop-ass on botha y'all! You got me?"
Nothing kept us there, lying on our backs side by side, but something in her tone and demeanor compelled both of us to lay there and say, "Yes, ma'am," like chastised children. I was just about to make a snide comment to Jerry about his being a pussy for having laid there like a dumb ass and taken it when I heard Queen Kareen say, "Now, because you had to act a fool the first time..."
After that, there was a bright flash of light and the whole scene, including Jerry, the grass and Queen Kareen herself disappeared...
Jerry sat bolt upright. He and Daina had
both been lying in front of Queen Kareen taking a granny lecture from her (in fact,
he'd just been about to lean over and tell Daina what a pussy she was for laying there like a dumb
ass and taking it, but just then, Queen Kareen had touched Daina's foot with
the tip of her staff ever so slightly and Daina had disappeared in a bright
flash of light.
"Oh, snap!" he shouted. "What'd you do to her?"
"Gone like Donkey Kong,
honey," said Queen Kareen. Jerry's face bent into a mixture of horror and
grief, as did the wail that briefly escaped him and Queen Kareen sucked the
roof of her mouth in disdain. "Oh, please, girlfriend, she's still around
magically, or else how would I be able to use her?"
"What do you mean, use her and
she's still around?" Jerry asked.
"She's right here," said
Queen Kareen. "She's made of magic, honey. All sprites are. That's why
she's all inside the crystal."
"She's not all magic!" Jerry cried out.
"Well, whatever wasn't magic's
gone now. All I need's the magic part to take all your stuff, baby. See, I
could do the same to you, but I want to have the little crystal statue of you
when you gone."
"Yeah, but..."
"Yeahbut, yeahbut...shut up!"
she snapped. "You gon' be in good company. I'mo git you and then I'mo git
me a fairy empress and a dark fairy and this other lil' sprite, gon' be my
prized possession...what’s her name..."